…Who Listens.

I was a shy one in my youth…Okay, I still am to a certain extent, but I think in my shyness I developed a knack for listening to people. I care what people have to say. I offer an ear to any who need one. But what I have discovered in, let’s say, the last year or so is my growing intolerance for people who talk excessively. It’s not just that they talk excessively, but often without pause to allow the other person to talk thereby creating what some might call a “conversation.” Those people. Do you know those people? The Un-conversationalists? I’m starting to realize there’s a spectrum on which these sort of talkers belong.

There is a way to deal with these people. It’s a technique I fine tuned a few years ago working as a receptionist in a senior home. It’s an extension of the ol’ “Nod and say ‘uh huh’ or ‘yeah'” that we all have done at some point because we all have been teenagers at some point. Working at this senior home, for a while there was a particular resident. She was a little old lady and crabby as hell! She complained about everything. And who would she complain to? Well, everyone I’m sure, but it would seem her best audience was the receptionist (aka-the person trapped at the desk with no escape and no choice but to smile and nod). The thing about her was, though, she was extremely difficult to understand. She had a low, quiet voice that grumbled. But instead of saying, “Bitch, I have no clue what the hell you’re talking about” (I wanted to keep my job after all) I learned how to listen for the certain inflections in her tone of when something was a statement that I should say “Ohh” or “Yeahh” to or when it was a question that I then had to either hope needed a yes or no answer or ask her to re-explain the question. The other key was to pick up on occasional words to have some kind of idea the subject was. This worked pretty well until the day she decided to emphasize a particular phrase. So it went,”Grumblegrumblegrumble…OYSTER CRACKERS…grumblegrumble…” I was suddenly aware I had no clue what “we” were talking about anymore.

So she was an old lady. They do that, and honestly most of my examples are of people who are 50+ years of age. My dad is guilty of it. For years I would say (and still do some days) that there really is no such thing as a conversation with him. He talks…and talks…and talks..way high up there on his soapbox. So high up, apparently, that he can’t hear us lowly folk trying to speak. One particular example I recall happened in our living room. He was sitting in his chair, watching TV as usual, but he had paused and we had started to talk about something. What it was, I can’t remember now. It’s not important. But what happened was he talked…and talked…and occasionally (if I was lucky) I could interject with my own thought. But he’s the type of person (sometimes) who if you try to cut in, he just keeps talking anyway. At some point in our “conversation” I wanted to make a point. So I waited for an opening…and waited…and waited…he carried on so long that he eventually finished talking and said “Alright, well, I’m gonna keep watching my show.” I just kind of stared at him thinking “I guess I could say now what I wanted to five minutes ago……nope, it’s not even worth it at this point.” I don’t let him get away with that as much these days.

So now I bring you to the present. I now work at a different place. An agency that offers services to those with mental and physical disabilities. I work in their residential program. For legal reasons I’ll refrain from too many details on the clients, but there is one in particular that fits into the category of an Un-Conversationalist. Let’s call him Lenny. Lenny is an old grumpy man with a hearing aid…who loves to talk. At the end of many shifts I have to re-attach my ears because he has talked them off! Once more I’ve become in tune with my “nod and ‘ohh'” technique. What’s nice this time around is he’s much easier to understand (most of the time). So I just nod and “ohh” until he says (cause he usually does) “Know why?” to which I say, “Why?” and he’s answers like it’s the most obvious answer in the world. It’s entertaining…and maddening…depends on the day. I don’t try to have a conversation because I know he’s not looking for one. I’m convinced if he ever lost his voice his head would just straight up explode!

Still with me? I hope so. Because now I’m bringing it back to the female side. There are two women I work with who are their own breeds of Un-Conversationalist. The first…let’s call her Julie. She’s nice, don’t get me wrong, but she’s also on the older side and I have a feeling that’s where some of these traits come in. She’s in her 70’s versus my mid-20’s. There’s bound to be things lost in translation I suppose. When we have “conversations” I’ve found that she tries to be playful, but then just fails. The sad thing is, she only fails because she doesn’t own it. She’ll say something to be sarcastic (a language I am fluent in) so I’ll either return it or play off of it. I shit you not…95% of the time, she apologizes and explains that “she was only teasing/messing with me.” Maybe I just look oblivious or maybe I’m just a good actor…but I don’t understand how after 7 months of working together she still doesn’t get that I know when she’s messing with me.

Sometimes when we’re having non-playful conversations, she talks about something that she doesn’t understand fully and how she doesn’t understand it. So I’ll explain, but even when I’m giving her the answers or coming up with some kind of analogy to relate her problem to…she cuts me off to then re-explain what she doesn’t understand about it and why. At least that’s the best way I can describe it because it still baffles me when she does it. It makes me not even want to have conversations with her sometimes, but when there’s only the two of you working together sometimes it’s either that or let Lenny talk your ears off. Oh Julie…

Enter Maggie. The inspiration for this post. She just joined the staff at the house I work at. Or should I say re-joined, seeing as she worked there for awhile a year ago and has now returned. She is a talker. I’m going to say that again because saying it once isn’t enough. She. Is. A. Talker. I mentioned before that I’ve been working with Julie for 7 months. I’ve worked with Maggie 3 separate days. Let’s call it a total of 12 hours. I feel like I know more about her than I do about Julie…and not in the good way. She talks so much, so fast, and so much (yes I said that twice) about all the personal details I. Do. Not. Want. To. Know! Within the first ten minutes of my shift the other day I knew that she had taken a laxative-the-night-before-to-help-clean-her-out-but-it-didn’t-even-start-working-until-two-hours-before-our-shift!-So-she’d-been-running-to-the-bathroom-all-afternoon,-but-didn’t-want-to-call-in-sick-like-her-sister-suggested-because-it’s-only-her-third-day-and-she’s-not-sick-and-she-doesn’t-want-to-take-an-anti-diarrheal-because “I don’t want to plug myself up! I’m trying to clean myself out!” …..Call me crazy….but these are not the type of conversations that should be had with co-workers you JUST met, if ever! 12 hours total…and I know about her husband, her daughter, her sleeping disorder, her parents medical history, her medical history, her OCD tendencies…I didn’t know it was possible for a human being to fit so many words into a second. Time seems to slow down because she’s talking so damn fast! I don’t know why she’s choosing to be at this place of work when she could clearly make bank as an auctioneer!

The worst of it really is, though, that there’s almost no conversation involved when talking to her. I seriously hope that as time passes she mellows out some because I may just go crazy. I am a listener. I am tolerant…but I may have met my match…because as a listener and a conversationalist…I enjoy making a connection with people. I can’t do that if they won’t shut up for two second and realize I’m trying to connect with them! People like Maggie talk so much that they don’t even stop to hear they’re being heard. They’re so wrapped up in the details of their own life that they don’t stop to hear anything else.

That’s all I’ll say for now. These people are sure to appear in future posts, but these are some of the kinds of people I am not. What kind of person are you? The listener? The talker? The Un-Conversationalist? If you are…please…please stop talking. Even just for a few seconds. I realize you just want to be heard, but if you keep it up…you won’t be. You’ll know that once all you’re seeing in return are nods, and “ohhs” and “ahhs”.

If you made it this far I really hope you enjoyed reading! I try to make stuff as entertaining as possible. Leave a comment, especially if you’ve got a story of an Un-Conversationalist of your own!